### Medicated Thoughts and my Paxilated Brain ###

Paxil was originally prescribed to me for my O.C.D. (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). During this time period I was also having anxiety issues and panic attacks. For the anxiety, I was being prescribed Buspar. Everyday when I took my cocktail of pills, I was reminded of how much my head must be screwed up for it to come to this. I felt depressed, and as I realized I was getting depressed, I was concerned that if I mentioned anything to my doctor about the depression, he would just give me more pills. During my second check-up, I told the doctor that the Buspar was giving me a feeling of "electric shocks" through my body. When these "shocks" happened, I also thought my heart beat was affected. The doctor at this point suggested that we take me off of Buspar, and up the dosage of the Paxil. He said that Paxil not only helps with OCD, but also is prescribed for anxiety and depression. The doctor continued on explaining how my "chemical imbalance" in my brain, can cause OCD, anxiety and depression. Would Paxil cure all for me? Well the doctor thought so and we started the new Paxil treatment. I was moved to 60mg of Paxil daily (most are prescribed 10 or 20mg). After about 3 weeks, I did feel good. I didn't notice any anxiety issues, I was feeling good, and I didn't seem to concentrate on those OCD rituals I had for all my life- wow, am I cured? Now, 6 years later, I'm still not focused on the OCD rituals, and anxiety is at what I would consider a "normal" level. But now I have a new issue. I'm SO relaxed, and SO easy going, I don't take care of responsibilities like I use to. Things that SHOULD matter, don't anymore. My outgoing, "go get 'em" mentality is gone. I find it difficult to keep jobs because it's like I just don't take them seriously anymore. Has Paxil cause me to go to the other end of the spectrum? For the last few years I've mentioned this to my doctor asking him what can do. I explained to him that I'm older, wiser, and my life isn't as chaotic as it was 6 years ago- maybe I wouldn't have anxiety issues anymore just because of the change in my lifestyle. The doctor continues to explain to me that a chemical imbalance isn't going to cure itself, and that the Paxil is still necessary. My question was to him, how do you KNOW I have a chemical imbalance? I've never been chemically tested, I've never had a cat-scan or anything. The doctor only knows what I've told him, which is my perception- nothing he knows about me is scientific fact because there hasn't been any tests! So now I've been on a brain-altering drug for 6 years, and it's SO a part of me that if I forget to take it, I'm quickly reminded the next day with the inability to keep my balance, difficulties thinking, those strange "electric shocks", anger, and a strong feeling of frustration. My body now relies on Paxil. Without it, my body goes through what I consider to be withdraws. Now, more then ever, I want to be free from this expensive drug that my doctor thinks is so great. This drug that I feel prevents me from being me. Many times, with the doctor's instructions, I've tried to reduce the amount of Paxil I take- lowering the dosage by only a few mg over a period of time- wow, never want to do that again! You wouldn't believe what it's like trying to get off of Paxil. My doctor told me I may need to take 4 to 8 weeks off of work to do so. Ummm, 4 to 8 weeks? Does this guy realize that I don't work in the same field as he does, so 4 to 8 weeks is a significant part of my income! Would I even be able to keep the job I have if I took 4 to 8 weeks off?

Me VS. Paxil.

This is my medicated thoughts, in my Paxil'ated brain.